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Grieving and Loss

There are so many tragedies taking place in this world every moment of the day.

There are mothers losing their babies even before they are born. Then there are mothers who lose their babies after they are born. Then they are families losing their loved ones in different tragic circumstances such as floods, fires, earthquakes and cyclones. Then there are couples who have lived together for so many years find themselves without a partner because the one they loved died as a result of an illness or an accident. Then some of us have to experience the grief of losing our loved ones in a war that we have to fight or lose them in a plane crash. The list of tragic circumstances is endless.

When an individual is involved in any tragic circumstance there is a shock to the system. This is because we all think that bad things happen to other people not us. We have this innate tendency to believe that it will never happen to us. We are never fully prepared for the finality of the event. It is only when it hits us personally close to home that there is a sudden realisation that tragedies can occur to anyone, anywhere and anytime. It can be quite a devastating experience for a person when such a sudden loss occurs.

So how do we cope when one is confronted with a tragedy? No matter who we are, one day a tragedy will strike and we will have to go through a process of grieving. Because we are all self-centred individuals, there is no exception to this rule and no one is immune to this process. In grieving we feel sad and miserable. We question why it has to be you and not someone else. In grieving we find ourselves being forced to come to terms with the forces of Mother Nature, which show no mercy, compassion, emotions or sentimentality. Yes, we have to come to terms with our mortality and reality. We are humbled and feel helpless and insignificant by the event that envelopes us. If you are religiously inclined you might find some consolation in your belief and perform some ceremony, rites and rituals to make yourself feel better. However, there is nothing one can do but grieve.

When we grieve we cry. It is a natural conditioned response when we are confronted with a sad situation. Crying is therefore very good for us. It brings out all the pent up emotions which we may be hiding in our subconscious mind to the surface. It is a relief valve that cleanses us of all the negative feelings we may be harbouring. Yes crying is a normal natural thing to do when we feel sad under the circumstances.

But this grieving period for anyone should be short and temporary. It is a period of learning and coming to terms with reality and is normal. It is only when it becomes prolonged and permanent that things become abnormal. When it starts interfering with a person’s daily living and enjoyment of life, surely one cannot regard it as normal. It now becomes a disorder of perception.

Now every day is a new day and this world is an immensely beautiful place. As far as I am concerned life is always meant for enjoyment, not for misery. If one is miserable and unhappy after any devastating experience and one cannot move on, it is because one’s perception has become distorted. You are stuck with a negative point of view and are therefore influencing your subconscious mind negatively.

Remember that your subconscious mind is nondiscriminatory. That is, it does not recognise right from wrong or the good from the bad. It does not depend on your beliefs either. You can be a Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Muslim, Jew or whatever you want to be, it makes no difference. Also remember that your subconscious mind responds to words in a conditioned way. Positive words have a positive effect and negative words have a negative effect, whether you mean them or not do not matter. It is a neutral field of energy. So the way you feel at a given moment depends on how you are stimulating it. Hence if you are stuck with a negative point of view (perception) or using words in your mind (thinking) that are negative, you are going to feel negative.

Since I find life is too short for misery and meant to be enjoyed, I would suggest to anyone who is in this negative mode, to wake up to yourself and start getting rid of the negatives. However if it is your choice to live in this negative mode for the rest of your life, who is going to stop you? You are writing your own destiny and that is how it is going to be. Misery will be your lot. But surely you do not have to feel this way. You can easily snap out of this sad miserable situation. All you have to do is to start changing your perceptions and start saying words and sentences in your mind that are positive, even if you do not mean or feel that way.

First you have to accept the fact that one day we all have to exit this world. If your number is up, it is up. No one can save you. That is we are all mortals. Now how we go or when we go, we do not know. There may be very tragic and devastating circumstances involved. We have to accept the fact that when grim things like this happen, it is never the end of the world. The world will still go on. However, those who are alive must continue living and continue to enjoy life. Therefore life is for the living, not the dead. The dead are at peace, we should leave them to rest in peace.

Also remember, that since we are self-centered creatures we are very possessive by nature. It is natural to have a feeling of loss when we lose someone we love. It is also part of our habit to miss someone who normally should be there but is no longer there anymore. Hence our habits intensify the feeling of loss. Taking a person for granted is a habit that we acquire when we live together. We become habituated to each other. Become aware of this habit. All you have to do to break this habit is to meet and mix with other people.

To overcome this feeling of loss one has to understand what love is. Love is an indefinable, unconditional beautiful feeling that always makes a person happy. It exists whether the other person is with you or somewhere else. Whether the person is alive or dead does not matter. It has nothing to do possession. We do not own a person we love. It is an independent feeling. Once you have isolated this feeling, you will find that the person you loved is always with you no matter where you are. Yes when you love, you never lose because how can you lose something that you never possessed in the first place? So when you love, you are always a winner. Please try to understand what love is. Watch out when you use the word ‘love’ and ‘lose’ in your mind. The word ‘lose’ has a feeling of possession attached to it. Try not to use it frequently in your thinking. You have not “lost” that person. That person is part of your life and therefore always is with you, no matter where you are or what you are doing.

Also become aware of the fact that when we cry we usually cry for ourselves and not for the other person who is gone. The other person gave us reason for our happiness and existence. So when we cry, we cry for things that could have been. But alas the things that could have been were never meant to be.

It is important to understand your hopes, fears and desires. What has happened can never be undone and has become a part of your experience in life. Do not try to actively forget what has happened because actively trying to forget something only reinforces the memory and makes you even more miserable. Accept what has happened as a learning experience in life, which makes you a better and wiser person, not bitter and disappointed. To keep analysing the situation is a bad habit. Stop analysing yourself. It is also a bad habit. It is a negative exercise and will influence your subconscious mind negatively.

Now if you are one of the persons grieving at present and cannot get over it, please cheer up and see whether what you have read so far has helped you. If you do not understand what I am saying the first time, please read again and again. Under the thick heavy dark clouds, the world always looks grim and gloomy. But remember the sun is always shining above those clouds.

Once you can clear up your perceptions and stop chasing the shadows, you will be amazed to find your grieving period disappearing and enjoyment of life reappearing so quickly. You will find that life is truly meant for enjoyment and never for misery. Our misery is mostly self-created because of our distorted perceptions. Our perceptions are magical. They can change and transform us without any need for will power. Please use the power of perception to transform yourself. Do not condemn yourself to a lifetime of misery.

Please remember that grief can overtake you not only when someone dear to you dies, but it can also happen when marriages and personal relationships breakdown.

If you are the one in whom grief has taken over, I would strongly urge you to read and study the first fifty pages my book “The Enchanted Time Traveller” to help you understand your mind and how to discover the real you. One can only take a horse to water, but one cannot force it to drink.